I saw The Secret Number and beheld it in awe. It grew larger and larger until it filled all empty space. I became smothered by it; I could not breathe. I pushed back but it kept smothering me, constricting me like a snake; I was in so much pain and agony. I had finally reached the end and now this shit happens. I was tired of fighting, tired of mutilating my mind and body, tired of chasing after this number. So, I stopped struggling and stopped breathing.
I felt The Secret Number gently gnawing on me. Poking at me, then biting into me and tearing off my flesh. Small nibbles at first but growing increasingly frantic and wild.The Secret Number of Everything was consuming me; consuming my knowledge. I noticed it was whispering something—very faintly. I concentrated and heard, “Find it. Find the number. I must find what I do not know. I must consume The Secret Number of Everything and become a God like the maggot told m—”
“What the actUAL FUCK?!” I screamed. I was overcome by so much anger and frustration. I started to struggle again. This… thing is also searching for The Secret Number. I cannot let it eat me, I will not let it eat me. I will devour it. I am the one meant to eat it; I’m the one who will know The Secret Number. I am the one who will become a GOD.
The thing was rummaging through my entrails, pulling organs out and eating them with primal abandon. I grabbed its paws and tore the flesh off the bone. It screamed in anger and dug its claws deeper into my entails. I started to consume it and it screamed and fought back, writhing and thrashing. My hold on it was coming loose and I was feeling faint from having most of my body consumed. I will not give up; I will succeed; I will kill it.
I tore apart its limbs, gobbled up its flesh, drank its blood, and slurped up its bone marrow. I licked up every piece and every drop; letting nothing go to waste. As I was eating, I felt myself filling with knowledge; I was learning everything about numbers. I learned of numbers that can exist but do not. I learned of numbers that existed in the past, present, and future. I learned of a number that cannot exist, will not exist, and will never exist. I combined all this knowledge within me and created a new number to become the God of this universe.
The thing I consumed was trying to fight me from within my stomach. I told it to calm down, it is now a part of me; it is me and I am it. I proceeded to rip open my six billionth, six hundred and sixty-two millionth, six hundred and sixty-two thousandth, and six hundred and sixty-second brain cell open and allowed it to look upon my The Secret Number of Everything. It…we… I started crying from the beauty. Now I can see why it wanted this number—because its existence was useless, pointless, and purposeless without that number. Overwhelmed by emotions, we made love to each other; to me. I then gave birth to negative three hundred and thirty-three million, two hundred and twenty-two thousand, and one hundred and eleven children. My children proceeded to go forth and become new numbers within my new universe.
I noticed one child had stayed behind. I looked closer, and it was the maggot, reborn as a child of the quintessential unsatisfactory wizard barbarous three half-numbers. It was laughing gleefully. With six thousand mouths, I said to it, “Dearest maggot, my child, why do you laugh so joyfully?”
The maggot, only speaking in quintessential unsatisfactory wizard barbarous three half-numbers, said, “Foolish Vsvt, have you not noticed? I have stolen The Secret Number of Everything from you, and now I shall consume it and become The God of Numbers.” It grew three and a half thousand, nine and a half hundred, twenty-one and a half mouths and consumed The Secret Number of Everything. As soon as it was finished, it started shrieking; I heard the twenty-seven sounds of pain and agony. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!” It cried out.
“Foolish maggot.” I said. “I have given you a false number to eat. A number that does not work in any universe, for it does not and cannot exist. Since you have eaten something that cannot exist, you shall cease to exist, and all traces of you will be removed.” As soon as I finished my sentence, I looked around in confusion. I do not remember what I was doing or who I was talking to.