I try to move on but you linger still. Your breathe, your presence. You’re still here with me.
Alive but not living. Here but not present.
You left a hole in me. But I don’t mind. Because a piece of you lives with me.
I miss the sun. Sitting in the sunlight with you.
I lost my will to live.
I resign myself to my dark fate. I set my plans into motion. I prepare for more heartbreak.
I become the monster I am.
I miss you. And I know I can never have you back. My life crumbles before my eyes.
I shut myself in. Alone once again.
No friends. No family. No one to love me for me. Alone just as I always was and will be.
******
I flip flop between hope and despair. I must not hold hope. I must stay my course. Set in motion my plans.
My pact set. Jezabelreal. I cannot deviate or else I will fall to ruin.
I constantly ache. The shape you left cries out in agony. I tell it to quiet down. That hole will never be filled.
Depression normalizing. All I want to do is get high and write poetry. That’s when I feel closest to you. I want to escape from this Hell hole I’ve created. Let me escape.
Hope enters my heart once more. I want to escape.
“Do not be foolish! You cannot escape, this is what you wanted, right? You created this disaster. I will not let you have the satisfaction of escaping.
You are bound to your fate. Accept it.
Your sunlight is mine. May darkness reign in your heart for eternity. Your sunlight will only be a fraction of what it once was. Never again shall you shed your sunlight on others. May they see you for what you are. May no one be deceived by your trickery again.”
Very well. I resign myself. A shadow. All I have left is my poetry. Poetry that no one will read.
That’s ok. I still have a hole shaped like you in my heart. Something to cling desperately onto. A shred light to hang onto. My reason for living.
******
I go home to a place I don’t belong. A life that is gone. I wish to escape.
I need refuge. A space to be myself.
The sun sets. I want to hear your voice..