Dear Mother,

happy belated mothers day

I got you a gift: it’s a poem I wrote; here it goes.

Why am I so sensitive,
Always taking criticism the wrong way,
Always taking criticism the wrong way,
Withdrawing myself if I get the slightest hint of rejection.

Schizophrenic,
Manic depressive,
Dissociative Identity Disorder,
Bi-polar
Mother.

Mother twisting this mind of mine
Ever since the unfortunate day I came into this world.

Telling me –
All the suffering in her life is my fault.
All the suffering in the World caused by me.

Mother twisting that baby mind of mine.
Making me think I’m not normal.
Making me think all I do is cause suffering.
Making me think my existence is a burden to everyone.
Growing up, in a twisted labyrinth of of depression, schizophrenia, mania, suicide, nihilism, alienation, withdrawal, body dysmorphia, bulimia, self-loathing-

So much of my life
Fucking wasted.
Trying to escape this mind
That she twisted.

Untangling my psyche has been a struggle.
Changing oneself is hard.
Real hard man.

I’ve hurt so many people,
Lost friends,
Left someone I loved.
Had to do selfish things to discover myself.
Enough.

Writing about myself and my past,
I could do that all day.
But this poem is dedicated to you.

Dear Mother,
I don’t love you that much
But I still care about you.
I see you tried your best even though
You were so mentally fucked up
Because that is what the World did to you.

I still want the best for you,
But I’m going to live my life,
Put myself first since you were unable to.
Heal and stop this generational disease we’ve been passing down,
Setting our babies up for failure before they’re even born
Because we can’t take a moment to take care of ourselves.
Because it’s hard to stand up for ourselves.
Because there was no place for us built into this World or rather-
The World was built so that there was no place for us women.

This World is a cruel place and it got to you Mother,
You never got a chance to be yourself and do the things you wanted because
You were born in a poor country
So bad were the conditions that
The only way to get out and have a better future was to
Give up your life, marry a stranger, and knowingly commit yourself
To a life serving a man who
Only married you because no other woman would
Who was looking for an easy wife to cater to his every whim
Be the woman of his dreams.
Do his chores,
Raise his children,
While he goes out and-
Sorry, I’ll cool it.

Mother, what I’m trying to say is,
I need to focus on myself,
I want to break this generational curse placed upon us women.
So that one day,
No child will ever have to endure what you, I, all the women before us,
And all the women right now
Have had to endure.

I promise to do my best to be the change I want to see in the world.
But to do that,
I have to lay my feelings bare
And bring a lifetime of pent up words on you all at once.

Sorry if you ever read or listen to this.
The chance is small since
I’m nobody, yelling down The Endless Hallway of the Internet.
Plus, you don’t really know how to use technology.
I mean, you barely know how to use a television remote and wireless telephone.

I’m too much of a coward to say
Any of this to your face.
I’m also a poet,
I express myself differently from most people.

Passion in my voice boils over
And bubbles into unconventional words
Unfamiliar to you.

But I also knew,
As soon as I say anything bad about you,
You would stop listening and freak out on me.
Running out into the yard and screaming into the sky.
Yelling,
Blaming the government that isn’t watching you.
Blaming my dad who isn’t your enemy.
Blaming your only daughter-
That tried to love you so many times.
Blaming your beloved son-
Who actually tries to care for you better than I ever could.

I’m breaking this cycle of madness.
I’m shedding myself of your influence.
I’ll try to build a better future for all mothers of the Earth.
Happy Mother’s Day.

I’ll always remember where I came from.
I’ll keep humble,
Take care of you when I can since
You tried to raise me and tried to love me.

So, take your meds,
Read your Sylvia Brown books,
Watch the birds from the window,
With your beloved cat that was gifted to you.
And let me live.

Don’t worry Dad,
Father’s Day is coming.
You’re next.
It’s time to see
What you’ve done to your daughter.